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July/August 2011


Then well-toned Brad of the head wider in the jowls than in the brow, Brad of the digitally enhanced thigh, addressed his army of computer-generated warriors, saying: "Computer-generated warriors, merely because the city we besiege is suddenly full of water would you fall back? Are you afraid of Kevin?"

With these words he put heart into his army, but on the battlements of the city now full of water Kevin of the small-chinned tallness called up the goddess Angelina of the exaggerated curvature and the extensive self-harm, asking: "Are you with Brad or with us?" 

And Angelina of the improbably luscious lips said: "First you must fight the battle, and then fate will reveal who is to be preferred." 

And Kevin's lieutenant, Dennis of the maniacal laughter and armless jerkin, said: "What kind of deal is that?"

But already the arrows and the cross-bow bolts were raking the battlements as with a harrow, and at the gate the way was open for the chariot of Mel of the hair extensions and the deficient anger-management to enter, bouncing over the heaped bodies of the defenders. 

So doing, Mel of the augmented coiffure and the inappropriate language, resplendent beyond all others in his kilt and chain-mail tank-top, cried out his war-cry in one or more of the many dialects of which he was a master: "Och aye, wetback trash. Will ye nae face my wrath?"

And his chariot, a Volkswagen under-tray with a Chrysler hemidome V8 engine, bucked and snorted, even as the Kawasaki jet-ski bucked and snorted between the knees of Dennis of the demented cackle. And stricken by the glittering shafts flung by Mel of the irresponsible invective, Dennis of the psychopathic hilarity went over backwards into the water and his life fled.

Now from the tent where he had long been brooding came Keanu of the impeded sinuses. And Keanu of the approximate diction, instead of saying "Dere's a bob on duh bus" as he had been wont to say, this time said: "Dere's wadder in my ten." 

And then to his side, soothing his forehead with elegant fingertips, came light-stepping Saffron of the massive appeal to women as well as men, telling him that the fate of the city depended on his valour.

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